Bitterness/VS Forgiveness

Bitterness vs Forgiveness....

I am 37 years old.  I am not married and I have no children. Early in life, I wasn't all that interested and in my opinion, no one was interested in me either. I read a lot of fairy tales about finding the love of my life and living happily ever after, and I devoured that idea..
 When I thought I'd found it, I decided he was it.. Never mind he didn't live nearby, something pesky like that couldn't get in the way of true love. Or so I thought. It wasn't easy for me to tell him how I felt, but I did... Then waited, and waited, hoping as years went by that he would share my sentiment.
Even after he married someone else (twice), I still held out hope. Of course, I did try to date, but all my attempts were halfhearted ones, after all, I believed the fairy tale.
But... There came a point when I realized, he was never coming for me. He was never going to propose to me because while he was everything to me, I was nothing to him... That hurt... But I tried to carry on and find someone else.. And I did,for a short while, date someone I thought that I could be happy with.. He was a sweet man with a good heart, but he'd also had his heart ripped out by an ex.. So from the beginning I don't think either of us wanted it to work because we were in love, but instead because being with someone is better than being with no one.. Right???
 Well, that man is gone now too. I realized that "settling" wasn't going to be good for me, and I couldn't see myself making the poor guy deal with me for the rest of our lives when he could have found someone better...
 So... Here we are.. Birthday time rolls around, my least favorite time of year. I get introduced to someone that I liked... Someone I got to know all too well far to quickly. It was great at first.. Frequent texts to say hi or that he was thinking of me... and then, it dried up. When I waited a few days and asked him about it, I was met with "Oh... I'm confused about my life.." I accepted that. Told him that I would wait as long as he needed, that was there if he needed me... Looking back at it now, I think I was there a little too much...when I really think he was just making excuses to make me go away.
Which leaves me to the question of this blog.. Bitterness or Forgiveness???
Bitterness is hard work, I will tell you.. It puts a weight on your shoulders, not to mention an aching in your heart as you realize how much you let your self respect fall by the wayside..The cold hard realization that I may never get married or have children of my own is so difficult to bear that sometimes it is hard to breathe. I want to just let all this go, but I can't seem to.....which leads me to the next question.. Who am more angry with-the men above,or myself... because the way I see it.. I am to blame...I gave things I shouldn't, with no hint that they would be happily accepted and taken for any more than what they were.. A few minutes of togetherness...
Bitter or Forgiving... to myself and to them... .I hope to one day be honestly able to say that the bitterness is gone and all that remains is forgivenes.. I would like to say that... But I can't. Not tonight.

I feel worthless, sad, heartbroken, anxious and stupid. Not in that order. In my work, I see the worst of situations. I know that things for myself aren't nearly as bad as they are for others, and yet I find myself in a darkness that surrounds my every waking minute. It's there when I get up, it's there when I go to sleep and it's even there when I try to sleep . I worry about my sanity. I know this is not right. I've gone to the Dr more than once, he's prescribed meds to help lift my mood and lessen my anxiety. They do work to a point, sometimes the feelings aren't as severe, other times it's like I'm going about my day and I'm suddenly slapped in the face with the realization of what is out of my control.
I'm embarrassed that I've let myself spiral downward like this. I try really hard to hide it, and since no one knows I write here, (except for one friend) I feel pretty comfortable just getting all this out.
I have never experienced anything like this before.. I don't know what I can do to change it. "Stop talking to him" is the answer I get from everyone. The problem is, if I don't talk to him I miss him. I really do love him, I know that in my heart, but I also know his feelings aren't as strong as mine, otherwise he wouldn't be doing this. Now that I have made my mind come to that realization, I just wish I could get my heart to follow.
I hope that in the coming year, I will figure out how to deal with this sadness and move past it... stop looking at it as a personal slight or a failure on my part. I did everything I could do for him, tried to be there when he needed me, etc. My aunt actually told me that it's my fault things have turned out the way they have. She said I was too "accessible". I didn't want to play "come and get me" games with him, we've known each other for years now, I thought we were past all that.
I don't know. Maybe she is right.

Almost forgot.. I don't attend church regularly but I have a definite belief in God. I talk to him daily and ask that he help me with this struggle that has completely taken hold of my life. People say "Lay it down." And believe me, I try. I feel selfish for being resentful that I may spend my life alone. If that is God's plan, then I want to be able to accept that freely and spend time doing whatever it is He wants me to be doing. I just can't get the thought out of my head that "S" is my heart and soul. I believe that with my entire being.. and yes, I do know that is wrong considering the current circumstances.
Even though it's been a long time, the following hymn has always meant a lot to me.. "Oh Master, grant that I may never seek, so much to be consoled as to console. To be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love with all my soul."

Well, it has been a while. Years, actually, since I last wrote anything here. I actually forgot it even existed, until I read a friends a few minutes ago and thought... hmmmmm.. Why didn't I think of that..Oh well.
Well.... Let's be honest here. I am a mess. I'm 35. I have never been married and I don't have any kids. I have spent the last several years "waiting" for someone.. I still am. Even though, I'm ashamed to admit, the person in question is engaged to someone else.
This person is the love of my life. This is the person that I wanted to go to sleep and wake up with, the person I wanted to share everything with. The person I trusted with everything. He knows all this, so it's not a secret. Actually, pretty much the whole world knows all this, and that is something that I'm not happy about, but am partially responsible for.
There is a song by Evanescence that has lyrics that are very true and also haunting. "When you cried, I washed away all of your tears, when you screamed, I chased away all of your fears, I held your hand through all of these years, but you still have, all of me."
I haven't seen this person since July 31, 2009 but I miss him wholeheartedly. We have had several discussions about how he feels I need to move on, find someone else, etc.. He's not the only one, everyone tells me that. I am embarrassed and I am ashamed that I can't do either. Maybe can't isn't the right word. Won't. That is more like it.
I have tried dating someone else. I found someone who was sweet and good to me, but the first time he slipped up (ok, it was a big slip-he was on my computer looking up things he didn't need to see), but from that moment on I knew I wasn't going to be able to give him what he wanted. How could I ? I don't have it.
Part of me is really afraid I'm crazy. The last thing I ever wanted to be, but how can the way I feel be sane? Where is the logic in it? I am holding on to someone who gave his heart-and his promise for a lifetime-to someone he knew less than a year. What does that say about me?
Not anything good, I'm afraid. But I'm also afraid of not having him in my life at all. I love him, as I said, and I want him happy.. So if happy is with her, then I'm trying to learn to live with that. I'm trying to be a good friend and be happy for him and silently sad for myself. Even though I guess I'm not being all that silent right now.
I'm rambling. I know I am. Some days I wake up and it hits me like a really strong slap in the face. It brings me to tears and makes my heart and mind just ache to the point there are no words to describe it. I imagine him looking her in the eyes and repeating vows, slipping a ring on her finger and again, I can barely stand it. I so believed that we would be together I just can't forget that. I can't get that image out of my head and though I've told myself a thousand different things to try and make my heart understand-it just won't. As it is now, in less than 6 months he'll be married. Where will I be then? I don't know. Hopefully I will be able to find some peace and just continue on as I have all these years.. I am still hoping to find happiness someday, but if I were being as honest as I need to be, I would say I'm not sure how that will ever happen.. I hope I am wrong about that, but right now, I doubt it.

I've got three tumors on my lower left leg......How's that for a way to start off a conversation???? LOL.. First of all, let me say that I have tumors pretty much all over, and up to this point they have all been benign, so why should this time be any different?? Actually, I should feel a little silly for even writing about this considering how many times I've "been there, done that"..but I can't help it. Each time is like the first time.. Hard to explain.. The other day when I woke up and tried to walk, my foot ached.. Luckily, I was off that day and the next, and when it still didn't quit hurting I decided to see my medical Dr, thinking maybe I had tendonitis....I was then taken for an xray, and after that is pretty much history.. I got the same comment that I've gotten several other times.. "You need to follow up with your orthopedic surgeon..." Would you believe the day after I left my Dr's office, his secretary called to remind me that I needed to make an appt with the ortho, and when I told her I'd already done it, her response was "Great.. When are you going??" LOL.. I don't know whether to be impressed or insulted. I've told a few people this story.. Actually, I've told a few people on the net and a few people in my real life.. and basically, I try to make a joke of it.. I mean, what else is there to do?? But, in the back of my mind there is always a worry... What if....I'm not even going to finish that sentence..I really do feel bad for rambling like this, but it's necessary.. At the moment, a very dear friend of mine is suffering from breast cancer, so I don't really feel like talking about it around her....so this is a good way to vent....

Here I am again!!!! Must see TV Thurs!!! It sounds crazy to have a night that I refuse to miss television, but after a bad day, coming home and watching Matthew Perry and company can be pretty darn relaxing.... As you can probably tell by my notes thus far, I have been in somewhat of a funk, for say the last 22 years or so...LOL.. Just kidding, definitely not that long.. Did I mention that I tend to be overly dramatic at times?? My cousin lovingly (or at least I think lovingly) refers to me as a drama queen...
Where was I going with that whole thing??? I'm not really sure, I just lost my entire train of thought......

I think for now, I'll talk a little about my family..Maybe I'll start with my parents..I know most kids probably don't have a "favorite" parent, but looking back on it now, I think I did... It started out to be my father when I was really small, he used to take me fishing with him and I thought he hung the moon.. I was most definitely "daddy's little girl"...but as I got older, I learned to dislike fishing (actually, catching the fish wasn't ever a problem, but baiting the hook and removing the fish became one for some reason..) It's funny now, to think about my dad and how my feelings for him changed so much over the years...As a young child I idolized him, as a teenager I disliked him to say the least..and as an adult..well..I just love him and miss him a lot.

I'm off today...thank goodness..LOL. Unfortunately, not much fun stuff on my agenda for today..Errands to run, that sort of thing..
So last night, I rambled on about my friend...well, after I logged off, I called her husband and the news wasn't what anyone hoped it would be...In the line of work I am in, one would think that hearing bad news would get easier as time goes by, but it never is..Especially not when it's about someone that you've grown to love..Wow..So far this whole thing sounds pretty depressing, doesn't it??

Did I mention that I like to write?? I always have..As a kid, I can remember writing a story about a day in the life of a piece of bubblegum...It didn't take me that long to write it, I think I was in seventh-grade...but the teacher really liked it...she read it in front of the entire class and from that day on I was hooked.. I wrote notes, essays, anything that came to my mind.. Writing things down is really therapeutic when you think about it..Good things, bad things..no matter what they are, they are usually a lot easy to deal with if you write them down on paper...

Why am I thinking all these crazy thoughts?? I'm not sure.. Maybe it is because I am bored..Maybe it's because I have dreamt about relatives that have long since passed away for the last several nights and I'm a little worried about myself..Maybe it's because a very dear friend of mine had a lumpectomy today to remove cancer from her breast and I am still waiting to find out what the Dr had to say..Maybe it's a little of all of those things?? I don't know..All I know is, typing all this stuff out is a lot easier than I thought it would be...

So now.. Where should I begin?? Hopes, dreams, fears, fantasies..Geez...There are a lot of all those things running through my mind... So what should I say?? I'd love to be a mother...Whoa.. Where did that one come from??? OK, so now I am talking-err..typing to myself..LOL.. To be honest, I have always wanted to be a mother. Always wanted to know what it would be like to hold my own baby in my arms...I'm 27 now, so I guess it could still happen some day..but see.. all my life I've had this plan...become a mother by 30..and as I said.. I am now 27, with no romantic prospects, let alone any possibilities for kids...Did I mention that I can't believe I'm typing any of this?

Wow....A friend tipped me on to this, and I have to admit it seems kind of neat. I've always wanted to keep a diary, but in the past my diaries have spanned months in between entries..normally I only wrote in one if something monumental was happening..Will this be any different?? I'm not sure, but I think it might be fun to find out.