Almost forgot.. I don't attend church regularly but I have a definite belief in God. I talk to him daily and ask that he help me with this struggle that has completely taken hold of my life. People say "Lay it down." And believe me, I try. I feel selfish for being resentful that I may spend my life alone. If that is God's plan, then I want to be able to accept that freely and spend time doing whatever it is He wants me to be doing. I just can't get the thought out of my head that "S" is my heart and soul. I believe that with my entire being.. and yes, I do know that is wrong considering the current circumstances.
Even though it's been a long time, the following hymn has always meant a lot to me.. "Oh Master, grant that I may never seek, so much to be consoled as to console. To be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love with all my soul."

Well, it has been a while. Years, actually, since I last wrote anything here. I actually forgot it even existed, until I read a friends a few minutes ago and thought... hmmmmm.. Why didn't I think of that..Oh well.
Well.... Let's be honest here. I am a mess. I'm 35. I have never been married and I don't have any kids. I have spent the last several years "waiting" for someone.. I still am. Even though, I'm ashamed to admit, the person in question is engaged to someone else.
This person is the love of my life. This is the person that I wanted to go to sleep and wake up with, the person I wanted to share everything with. The person I trusted with everything. He knows all this, so it's not a secret. Actually, pretty much the whole world knows all this, and that is something that I'm not happy about, but am partially responsible for.
There is a song by Evanescence that has lyrics that are very true and also haunting. "When you cried, I washed away all of your tears, when you screamed, I chased away all of your fears, I held your hand through all of these years, but you still have, all of me."
I haven't seen this person since July 31, 2009 but I miss him wholeheartedly. We have had several discussions about how he feels I need to move on, find someone else, etc.. He's not the only one, everyone tells me that. I am embarrassed and I am ashamed that I can't do either. Maybe can't isn't the right word. Won't. That is more like it.
I have tried dating someone else. I found someone who was sweet and good to me, but the first time he slipped up (ok, it was a big slip-he was on my computer looking up things he didn't need to see), but from that moment on I knew I wasn't going to be able to give him what he wanted. How could I ? I don't have it.
Part of me is really afraid I'm crazy. The last thing I ever wanted to be, but how can the way I feel be sane? Where is the logic in it? I am holding on to someone who gave his heart-and his promise for a lifetime-to someone he knew less than a year. What does that say about me?
Not anything good, I'm afraid. But I'm also afraid of not having him in my life at all. I love him, as I said, and I want him happy.. So if happy is with her, then I'm trying to learn to live with that. I'm trying to be a good friend and be happy for him and silently sad for myself. Even though I guess I'm not being all that silent right now.
I'm rambling. I know I am. Some days I wake up and it hits me like a really strong slap in the face. It brings me to tears and makes my heart and mind just ache to the point there are no words to describe it. I imagine him looking her in the eyes and repeating vows, slipping a ring on her finger and again, I can barely stand it. I so believed that we would be together I just can't forget that. I can't get that image out of my head and though I've told myself a thousand different things to try and make my heart understand-it just won't. As it is now, in less than 6 months he'll be married. Where will I be then? I don't know. Hopefully I will be able to find some peace and just continue on as I have all these years.. I am still hoping to find happiness someday, but if I were being as honest as I need to be, I would say I'm not sure how that will ever happen.. I hope I am wrong about that, but right now, I doubt it.